Sugar Daddies and the Secret Lives of Black Sugar Babies
When conjuring up an image of what the quintessential companion of a wealthy Sugar Daddy looks like, as dictated by popular culture, perhaps visions of a young, thin but buxom blond woman dances in your head. Or maybe an ‘exotic’, racially ambiguous variation, whose aesthetic still passes muster when it comes to rigid beauty standards. Do you think of the late Anna Nicole-Smith; the most noted poster child for the May-December romance (for finance)? Do you recall how the, then struggling 26-year-old, blond bombshell and single mother made folks clutch their pearls when she married billionaire oil tycoon, J. Howard Marshall, a man who was 62 years her senior? If you’re about that black pop-culture life and don’t think in absolutes, perhaps Marlo Hampton of Real Housewives of Atlanta fame, comes to mind… Atlanta is, reportedly, the “Sugar Daddy Capital of America”, after-all.
The allure of these pampered women, otherwise known as sugar babies (or kept woman, if you’re fancy), never ceases to pique people’s curiosity or, depending on your moral fiber, raise eyebrows. Over the past few years, stories have surfaced in the media about young women using ‘sugaring’ as the ultimate way to pay their way through college, acquire luxury items, travel, pay down debt, supplement a paltry ‘day-job’ income, acquire real estate, and/or to start businesses. Mutually beneficial arrangements with well-heeled older men, often present a way out of the economic doldrums for them; and in turn, older men enjoy the luxury of squiring a nubile, attractive woman around and, eventually, access to great sex, an ear to bend, and emotional availability: Which can be taxing for some women, if they’re dealing with a mercurial and demanding benefactor.
While I’ve generally dated men significantly older than myself (for no reason other than personal preference) and have had funny exchanges with friends who often lamented the need for a sugar daddy to help ease their financial burden, I’ve never had the derring-do or fortitude to entertain such an agreement myself. The particulars of the lifestyle has always intrigued me though. Specifically, I’ve always wondered about the number of young black women using this route to gain accelerated upward mobility and just how successful they are at snagging and cultivating a sugar lifestyle with a wealthy and powerful sponsor. I’d find my answer in spades via online communities, sometimes referred to as the ‘sugar bowl’. The sugar bowl offers a (sometimes) safe space for young women to anonymously detail their lives as companions to wealthy men, and exchange useful information with one another. Within the sugar bowl is a sub-group of young black women who offer one another support, advice, and encouragement. Because like most other social hierarchies, the world of sugaring isn’t immune to racial paradigms.
At 22+ (and younger), some of these women have already positioned themselves to be, what can only be described as, modern-day, Azealia Banks quoting courtesans. In my mind, they’ve probably read Leidra Lawson’s Sugar Daddy 101: What You Need to Know If You Want to be A Sugar Baby or Baje Fletcher’s A Go(a)l/d Diggers Guide, and use the texts as blueprints to transform themselves into well-mani’ed/pedi’ed and coiffed vixens. They’re seasoned in the art of gentle coaxing and negotiating, speak the lingo of the sugar bowl, and have figured out how to stand out in a dating pool where black women aren’t always chosen. They’ve learned how to get the money and perks they want without ‘getting got’ by their older paramours (some of whom are prone to quickly becoming attached), and have outlined a painstaking list of rules to help sustain their lifestyles – most of which revolve around careful grooming habits, affecting certain behaviors, and psychological trickery. They’re emphatic about novice sugar babies adhering to the advice they offer in the bowl, so that they stay safe, don’t get too easily swept up, don’t spoil the bowl, and aren’t taken advantage of. The golden rule of thumb is to never sell themselves short or entertain the advances of what’s known as a ‘Salt Daddy’ or ‘Spenda Daddy’– men who don’t have the resources, charm, or influence to spoil the objects of their affection, but will play their hand anyway, to no avail; because a well-versed sugar baby knows how to vet properly and can spot a Salt or Spenda Daddy a mile away.
Most interesting, is that some of these women get their financial rewards without ever having to meet their POT (potential) sugar daddies in-person or sleep with them. Many of these men are happy to oblige and welcome the opportunity to simply interact with a pretty young woman, and see her flourish in her chosen endeavors. In addition to financial tributes, these sugar daddies serve as mentors and offer guidance, money management, career, and business advice. One popular black young baby in the sugar bowl wrote of how one of her sugar daddies hipped her to proper corporate protocol and helped her brush up on her relational skills: “[Benefactor] has been helping me correct my southern language and perfecting my conversational skills. He is always quick to correct my speech. It does get annoying at times. And when we’re talking, he makes sure I give him eye contact. We go over how to properly shake a hand a few times too.”
And yet, surprisingly, while these women take snapshots of their bounty, as proof of their shopping sprees, and of the cash they earned during ‘allowance day’; some of these young women espouse the tenets of third-wave feminism on their Tumblr pages and stress the importance of consent and maintaining full autonomy over their bodies and making the ultimate decision as to whether or not sex transpires between them and their benefactors, without feeling pressured to do so (although holding out for too long could result in a sugar daddy losing interest). As intriguing as these dynamic and carefully contrived relationships seem, I’d be remiss if I didn’t note how a few of the young women seemed to find validation solely in being desired by much older, powerful (white) men, will often conflate or lie about their racial identity in order to seem more interesting to POTs, and don’t appear to live up to the confident posturing they convey in their online personas, despite claims to the contrary. But I suppose I should chalk that up to the politics of sugaring and doing whatever needs to be done to win at it.
I should also note that while being looked after by a wealthy man isn’t as simple as some dissenters labeling a woman a ‘ho’ or ‘prostitute’, sugaring does straddle the line between sponsorship and escorting; and so sugar babies find solidarity with sex workers, are careful not to draw a line of demarcation that denotes an “Us” vs “Them” attitude, and will sometimes make the transition to becoming one – many find the cut-and-dry transaction of escorting, sans having to develop any emotional ties or jump through any proverbial hoops to get what they want, much easier. And still, black escorts sometimes contend with finding ways to build a trustworthy client list of men, who are progressive and not put-off by ‘dating’ a woman who isn’t white or non-black other.
Reading the personal narratives shared by young black women, has revealed the sugaring lifestyle to be a bit more … involved than I initially believed it to be. At the risk of being outed and targeted on popular online forums, especially if they gain an online following, black sugar babies chart the trials and tribulations of finding wealthy and willing older benefactors in this ever evolving tech and social networking age; wading their way through profiles on sites like Seeking Arrangement, Sugar Daddy for Me, WhatsYourPrice, and even Craigslist; some of the more confident babies freestyle offline. They also grapple with having to decide whether or not to divulge information about their relationship(s) to close friends and family, who may take a morally superior stance towards their lifestyles: Fortunately for one SB whose blog I perused, her mother purportedly taught her everything she knows.
And what of the generous Sugar Daddy who’ll gladly fork over cash, but will make racist jokes and say insensitive things in the company of his young black paramour? One sugar baby expressed disdain on her blog, for a man who immediately solicited her for sex in an inboxed message, without any discussion of an arrangement, on one of the aforementioned sites; then called her a racial epithet when she rebuffed him: “I wish I had the patience to post half of the dumb ass messages I get on [SA]. One guy called me a nigger yesterday after I called him out on wanting a just sex arrangement.” she railed. As glamorous and lucrative as the sugar bowl can be, these are the sorts of issues black sugar babies deal with, and it presents somewhat of a conundrum for girls who would rather brush off the indignity of being disrespected, just to maintain their newly acquired standard of living.
For some, getting chose finding a sponsor at all can prove to be an exercise in futility, due to those racial barriers. Sometimes being black doesn’t fall under the list of preferences for some potential sugar daddies, and for many young women looking for a leg-up; a black benefactor won’t suffice, as there seems to be a stigma attached to black sugar daddies. Some of the reasons I read were… black men are too cheap, many turn out to be Salt or Splenda daddies, they remind some of the women of their fathers or male relatives, black men usually only want young white women as arm-candy, or black POTs over-inflate their income … But let’s be frank, when women of color (or even men) think of gaining access to money, institutional power, influence, connections, and respect, the default key to that world always tends to be a white man.
In spite of the many racial hurdles and excess foolery they deal with, veteran members of the black sugar baby community stress the importance of being undaunted by rejection; which seems easier said than done to novice players, trying to win at a way of life where some of the participants refuse to recognize them as equals to white women, where they’re constantly expected to debunk racial stereotypes about black women, and where they have to weed out fetishists just looking for a free one-off … and will spam their inbox with a slew of nasty insults if their chance at a ‘black experience’ is denied.
Being a sugar baby definitely isn’t for everyone, and there are people who find the lifestyle cringe-worthy… most of the ire is usually (unfairly) aimed at the women. It’s a complicated and carefully orchestrated adagio dance that many of us won’t and don’t understand, unless we dare to immerse ourselves in the lifestyle. And, quite honestly, social mores don’t trump what two consenting adults choose to do with their social and sex lives. Granted, this is a different era rife with 21st century tricks, but this concept of well-established men, looking after younger women, isn’t new.
As for my exploration outside the perimeter of the sugar bowl … I observe, judgment-free, as a curious voyeur who’s always wondered how her sistren manage to ride this wave. But I imagine, for a black woman, being a sugar baby or a kept girlfriend won’t always be a sustainable lifestyle, and can be exhausting.
My hope is that, however long they choose to use this as a way to stay afloat, they continue to be safe, they don’t sacrifice who or what they are to pacify ignorance (sometimes the price of riches can be too high), and when it’s all said and done, they’ve invested and saved wisely and have something substantive to show for it besides Christian Louboutin heels and Céline handbags. Sugar on.
