By JuJuBe (Joanna)
When I like a man, I REALLY like him. In fact, if it is someone I REALLY like, eventually, I start to believe that I LOVE him. And when I LOVE a man, I OBSESS over him. And from there, it is only a short trip to becoming a scary stalker.
Not that I have ever actually TAKEN that little journey into full blown stalker territory, but I have come mighty close. The thing is, I have had guys tell me they love me. I have had men tell me they wanted to marry me, raise a family with me. And, on multiple occasions, I have looked at that man who is professing his love, and thought to myself "Damn, he is a PUSSY!!"
Yup, I am one of those. The kind of chick who believes that if a man loves me, there is something wrong with him. He is weak. He is too passive. He is not a REAL MAN. A REAL man is aggressive. A REAL man is tough. A REAL man doesn't show his emotions. A REAL man acts like a dick rather than appear soft.
I can sit here all I want and say I want romance and bouquets of roses, and romantic walks down the beach at sunset. But when I meet a man who wants to give me all of that, I try to figure out what the hell is wrong with him, and I push him away.
And proceed to chase after the man who has rejected me, who has made it clear he does not want to be with me, who has tossed my emotions in the dirt time and time again.
And chase him really HARD.
I do not remember when my obsession with the unattainable began. I think perhaps my first obsession was with Scott Baio in 3rd grade. Oh my God! You think Joanie Loved Chachi?? Joanie had NOTHING on Joanna when it came to that man!! I used to tell all of my classmates that my goal in life was to marry Scott Baio. I HATED Joanie, because SHE had Chachi and I wanted him!!
I remember writing essays for class about what we wanted to be when we grew up. And I always said "I want to be Scott Baio's wife". I even wrote letters to the man, professing my love for him. Like somehow I thought he was going to throw aside all of the women his own age who were chasing after him to settle down with the seven year old "love of his life."
I didn't do too bad for the rest of elementary school and Jr. High. I had crushes, but nothing ridiculous. Just the typical school girl, stars in my eyes type of "love". Then, when I was 16, TOM came along. He was a 30 year old man who lived in the apartment next door to my best friend. The first time I went to his apartment, I was flirting RELENTLESSLY with him.
I was hinting that I was "Sweet 16 and Never Been Kissed" and wanted HIM to be the first. I was offering him sexual favors (now mind you, I had NEVER been with a boy before, let alone a man). When my friend left the apartment to go home, Tom asked me what I wanted to do. He gave me my first kiss, and put my hand on his crotch. I was amazed and terrified when I felt him get hard.
Then my mom honked her horn, and I ran out of the apartment flustered. Nothing else happened, but boy did I want that man after that day! It didn't matter to me that he was 14 years older than me. It didn't matter that he had a girlfriend. It didn't matter that he told me time and time again that he was not the one for me. I was convinced that he was the man of my dreams. I had our entire wedding planned out. And every day, I would go visit my friend's apartment complex just so I could catch a glimpse of Tom.
My diary entries for English class were FILLED with his name. All of my friends knew who Tom was. My family knew who he was, even though they never met him. I could not stop thinking about this man. When he moved out of the apartment complex, I found where he moved to and left roses on his car. I had it bad. Eventually, after Tom moved away, I got over him. It took about 2 years, but I did it.
And then I met Sidd. He lived across the hall from me in my college dorm. He was a gorgeous man whose family was from India. He also had a girlfriend, but she went to another college. We quickly became friends, until I told him that I was in love with him. He did not feel the same. I told myself it was because I was not Indian, but realistically, I was just bat shit crazy back then (and of course you probably still think I am, right?).
I would call him all hours of the night, over and over until he answered his phone. After I moved to another dorm, I used to go out of my way to pass under his window, as if I can see what he was doing up there. As if I could be part of it. I started attending events thrown by the Indian Student Association, thinking that it would somehow bring me closer to him.
After he told me that he no longer wished to be in contact with me, I used to purposely be in the same hallway as him on his way to class. Anything to catch a glimpse of Sidd. My entire college career was spent OBSESSING over Sidd. No other man could come close. No one.
Since then, I have had several obsessions. There was Chev (who was at one time my boyfriend, but who I REFUSED to give up on after he told me he no longer wanted to be with me.) Then there was Ariel, who knew I was "in love" with him and used it to his advantage to get gifts, weed, sexual favors, etc from me. That one lasted about 3 years. I finally got over him when I stopped attending the program that I met him through. As soon as I stopped seeing him, I stopped obsessing.
So, I went and met someone else, and was sure to tell him all about the new man. I thought things would go great with the new man I met. He was funny, he was smart, he was affectionate and he was handsome. But he was NOT M. He was too NICE. He was too LOVING. He was too SWEET and FUNNY. Nah, he was nothing like the dominant, demanding, sometimes cruel M. And, as much as I wanted to, I just could not love him.
I am trying SO HARD to let go of the idea of being with M. But, I can't. I text him EVERY DAY, at least TEN TIMES a day. On good days, we converse back and forth through text messages. On bad days, he answers not one of my many messages. Often, he gives me little research assignments that would either help him out personally OR would enhance both of our knowledge bases.
See, what originally attracted me to him was his political stances and his intelligence. So, nothing makes me happier than to find more information on a topic I know he is passionate about. In fact, it was under his influence that I decided to start a blog. Since I have been speaking to him, I have become far more informed about so many issues it just blows my mind! He is the "conscious" man I have ALWAYS wanted to have in my life.
But, there are negative aspects to our relationship as well. When I tell him how I feel about him, he gets angry, telling me that he doesn't want to hear about my emotions, that they are not important. He chastises me over the littlest things, sometimes even calling me stupid. Yet, I cannot get him out of my mind. I find myself comparing EVERY MAN I MEET to M. I cannot love another man, because I am so intent on loving M. Somehow, I think that if I love him hard enough, he will return my feelings.
And this obsession is proving to be damn near impossible to get over. I tried not talking to him for almost 2 months. But, I was dreaming about him, thinking about him constantly. Talking about him to everyone I knew. And I ended up reaching out and calling him again. Several times I have told him that I need to stop talking to him because my feeling for him are WAY too strong.
I have written letters and left messages saying that he would not longer hear from me, and then a few hours later, I found myself calling him and begging him to ignore what I said. I almost think he derives some degree of pleasure from my stalker like behavior. In fact, a few weeks ago I did not send him any text messages, and at the end of the day he wrote to me "What, no texts today? I almost feel neglected."
Another time I was sending him so many messages that he got angry and told me to stop. So, I did. For like two weeks. And I ended up getting a message from him. It said "What is up? You went from practically stalking me to ignoring me. Where is the love?" I keep holding on to the dream that one day M and I will be together. I am so reluctant to start dating someone new, because I keep thinking that he will come around and decide he wants me to be his woman.
But, part of me believes that if M REALLY DID tell me he wanted to be with me, I would run in the opposite direction like I did before. I would not know what to do with all of the energy I have put into my obsession. I would be scared of not being "good enough". I would not know what to do. I don't know how to love him. I think I would run, screaming and crying, in the opposite direction.
Ain't love grand??
