by JuJuBe (Joanna)
I am in withdrawal right now. I am shaky. I feel weak. My heart is pounding a mile a minute. I can't sleep. I can hardly speak. I am nauseous. I feel like every breath is a huge chore. My brain feels like it is on fire, and my body is so tense I feel like I am going to explode.
So, what is causing all of this stress? Am I trying to quit drugs or alcohol? Is my blood sugar low? Do I have the flu?
Nope, none of the above.
All of this stress, all of this anxiety, all of this tension is because of a man. A man I have never even met.
Yes, I have allowed this man to become the center of my universe. I wake up in the morning thinking about him, he is on my mind while I am eating, while I am reading, while I am writing. He is inside my head 24/7.
I have forced myself to take a sabbatical from texting this man. It has been a week so far, and I feel like I am climbing the walls.
I had a conversation with a friend last night. I told him that I am so in love with this man that it hurts. My friend asked me "Is it love, or it is just an obsession?"
I thought about it for a second, and I answered "It is both". Really, do love and obsession have to be mutually exclusive?? Granted, obsessive love is not a healthy thing. But, it is somehow less "real" than simple romantic love?
People who are in love are willing to bend over backwards to make the object of their affection happy. I would walk across hot coals to please this man. So, how is it not "love"?
People who are in love often express a willingness to sacrifice their own desires to please their mate. I want this man to be happy more than I want happiness for myself. Making him happy is what makes me happy. So, how is it not "love"?
People who are in love like to show their feelings by giving their partner little gifts, small tokens of their affection. I know this man loves to read, so I regularly send him packages of books that I have read and think he will enjoy. So, how is it not "love"?
Yes, I do go overboard when it comes to this man. I cannot seem to get him off of my mind, and my mood is impacted immensely by the things he says and does. But, does the fact that my feelings are a bit "extreme" mean that I do not actually love him?
People will tell me, "Oh, it is not really love, because it is all in your head... he doesn't feel the same as you do". The thing is, does love require that the feeling be mutual? Isn't it possible to love someone with all of your heart despite the fact that they do not feel the same?
I am not saying it is healthy or enjoyable to love someone obsessively. I simply take issue with the fact that people tell me that I "do not know what love is" because I am obsessed with this man. I believe that my love for him is made more complicated by the fact that it is an obsessive love, but I do not believe that it is somehow less "real".
I do not think anyone who is not inside my head can tell me how I feel about another human being. They may be able to form an opinion about the type of love that I feel, but I do not think they can tell me what it is I feel for this man.
Yes, I am obsessed. But, I do not think that means I am any less in love than someone who is in a "healthy" relationship!
For everyone out there who reads what I write: If you are someone who has similar feelings and experiences, know that you are not alone. But don't lose hope, I haven't. For everyone else who looks at my posts and thinks that I am just a hot mess, be thankful that you are able to participate in healthy, mutually beneficial relationships, but recognize that those of us who have "issues" are still human beings who are probably looking for a lot of the same things out of life that you are. Just because someone has issues is one area of life does not mean everything they say/do should be discounted. None of us are perfect, but we all have value. Thank you. I appreciate you taking the time to read, and giving me the opportunity to express myself.
