Quick! Stash away your brain. Yes, you know that gelatinous matter between your ears? I realize many of you don’t use most of it (the unused percentage being higher for teabaggers and their black and brown enablers). However, the editors here at the Intersection of Madness and Reality Blog have discovered that your brain is illegal. The U.S. government has criminalized the chemical compounds of peyote, even though one of them (dopamine) is a primary neural transmitter in the human brain. Our brains also produce anandamide, a substance that’s nearly identical to THC, the active ingredient in marijuana.
::watches disdainfully as some fools set their brains on fire::
BTW: So much for the “they hate us and our freedoms” perspective of Islam. According to my computations (not really) more than 1.2 billion Muslims live under democratically elected governments, and there is a steady movement towards democratization, civil rights, and political freedom in many other Islamic nations (click here for source).
And check out this item from our “Good News/ Bad News” department: The U.S. Air force has complied with the Environmental Protection Agency’s ban on ozone-destroying chlorofluorocarbons (CFCs). It has removed CFCs from the cooling systems of ballistic missiles that carry nuclear warheads. “If they are ever fired,” Access to Energy reported, “there will be an environmentally friendly nuclear holocaust.”
A blind German clairvoyant named Ulf Buck claims he can foretell people’s future by feeling their naked buttocks. At last! A man I can admire. I’ve been trying to tell women this all my adult life! Believe me, if I can feel your naked buttocks, sweetie, I will definitely be able to tell your immediate future (“I see you experiencing a refreshing soreness and deeply felt sense of surrender in the near future.”)
From our crack[ed] history department we get the following gem: The first humans to arrive in Hawaii were led by “wayfinders.” These miracle workers navigated uncharted seas by reading star positions, discerning weather patterns, and interpreting the ocean’s colors and movements. More than seven centuries before a few European men dared to sail beyond the safe boundaries of their known world, entire Polynesian families crossed the vast expanses of the Pacific Ocean in, yup, fuckin’ catamarans. DANG! I know of some families can’t make it to Disney World with a map and a GPS system without killing each other along the way.
I’ve been reading again, folks. In his book The Naked Woman, best-selling author/ biologist Desmond Morris (The Naked Ape), takes us beyond the G-spot. He says that in addition to the G-spot, women have three other highly sensitive erotic zones in the vagina. He calls them the A-Spot, C-Spot, and U-Spot (more to come at a later sex blog).
From our “subversive acts” files: a few years ago, members of the Barbie Liberation Organization sneaked into toy stores and swapped the voice boxes of 300 GI Joe and Barbie Dolls. Boys who later purchased the plastic soldiers were shocked to hear them make comments such as, “I like to go shopping with you,” while the girls who came to own the mutated Barbies heard commands like, “To the front lines, men!” (click here to view video)
Finally, our superb research team (really a Dominicana Mensa with a great ass!) came up with the following morsel: In A Natural History of the Senses, Diane Ackerman observes that in many cultures the word for kiss means smell. “A kiss is really a prolonged smelling of one’s beloved, relative, or friend,” she writes. “Members of a tribe in New Guinea said good-bye by putting a hand in each other’s armpit, withdrawing it, and stroking it over themselves, thus becoming coated with the friend’s scent. Other cultures sniff each other or rub noses.” Now, before you get all culturally myopic on me, please note that my preferred manner is to put my hand in the crack of your ass while I’m kissing you and then smelling my hand.
I lurrrrve the baby powder!