So I log on to the internet last Friday and I’m hit with these “rest in peace” messages all over Twitter and Facebook. So naturally I’m wondering since death comes in threes, who’s next to follow Teddy Pendergrass as far as black celebrities go. And then I find out it was Apache. Yeah I see you squinting right now asking yourself “Apache? Who the hell is that?!” Don’t worry, I did that for about five seconds my damn self before I remembered the one hit wonder rapper from the early nineties.
Yeah, you know the cat who had that one hit ‘Gansta Bitch’, right? C’mon, I know I wasn’t the only one singing the hook “I wanna gangsta boogie with my gangsta bitch”, right? Don’t lie to me dammit!
So anywhichaways, I was kinda put off by the cliche fake sympathy thrown around by people in social media. I mean people were acting like Apache was that heat! How many albums did the brother have? When was the last time we heard from him? And do you even know the words to Gansgta Bitch other than the hook? Um, I’m sorry, but if you can’t answer any of these questions you have no reason to be throwing around that “R.I.P. Apache, I’mma miss you dog!” Um, get tha’ f*ck outta here with that if you ain’t family or at least went to school with Apache,son! I swear, n*ggas on the internet are so fake.
My wife said I was mean. I told her the only one hit wonder rappers people were allowed to mourn openly would be Rob Base from Rob Base & DJ E-Z Rock. If you gotta ask who the hell they are you really should kill yourself. But anyway, the burning question I had wasn’t how did he die, it was did he ever find that gangsta bitch he described in his song. Did he ever find that woman with whom he was able to do stickups with on Valentine’s Day as he wished for? I mean how far can a relationship with a gangsta bitch actually go; and more importantly, are some of today’s lesbians onetime gansgta bitches who were ignored because…?
Oh well, Apache’s ode to loser hyper-masculine bitches and the men who loved them wasn’t one that was on my radar. But then again maybe that was due in part to Dr. Dre having a ghetto-nerd such as myself all smoked out when The Chronic came out and not so much into sharing my blunt with chicks who weren’t gonna have sex with me. At any rate, smoked out or not, I doubt whether many guys would walk around in public with a female like the one pictured above on their arm.
Though I can appreciate women with a little hood in ’em. The whole gangsta bitch thing is just taking it too far, and let’s just say I’m more comfortable with a ride or die chick as opposed to fake-ass uppity bougie broads. Let’s be real, women will forever be attracted to thugged out men, but men being attracted to gangsta bitches, not so much…