I’m sorry, I’m sure Steve Jobs was a nice guy and all, but he never did shit for me, and HOW much did he pay in taxes last year? All this slobbering over Jobs’ fermented taint juice is nothing but financial porn. In a sane world, someone like Steve Jobs would be properly deemed a sociopath. Even the corporate/ anti-union mainstream press understood the Steve Jobs real contribution to humankind — which was incredibly horrific:

From the Wall Street Journal: “Measuring the Human Cost of an iPad Made in China” (here)

From Electrical Engineering Times: “Apple reveals increasing Chinese child-labor problem.” (here)

From TIME Magazine: Another Slavery Scandal in China (here). I realize some of you are treating this like the passing of your father rather than some godammed stranger you never fuckin met, but puhleeeze stop making a spectacle of yourself.

I’ll be (for the most part) at the Occupy Wall Street protests for most of today and the weekend — just in case you feel like channeling your stalkerish tendencies.

* * *

A Smart Fuck (Not Really)

Or: Thinking Allowed

It’s been said that the most important sex organ is the brain, and if your brain jiggled as deliciously as your ass does, I would agree.

And speaking of which — Quick! Stash away your brain. You know that gelatinous matter between your ears? I know you don’t use most of it (something like 90% goes unused, but apparently that percentage is higher for teabagger presidential candidates). However, the editors here at [un]Common Sense (me) have discovered that your brain is illegal. Yes, Virginia, The U.S. government has criminalized the chemical compounds that are found in peyote, even though one of them, dopamine, is a primary neural transmitter in the human brain. Our brains also produce anandamide, a substance that’s nearly identical to THC, the active ingredient in marijuana.

::watches disdainfully as potheads set their brains on fire::

Here’s one from the “they hate us and our freedoms” file. According to my computations (not really) more than 1.2 billion Muslims live under democratically elected governments, and there is a steady movement towards democratization, civil rights, and political freedom in many other Islamic nations (click here for source)

From our “Good News/ Bad News” department: The U.S. Air force has complied with the Environmental Protection Agency’s ban on ozone-destroying chlorofluorocarbons (CFCs). It has removed CFCs from the cooling systems of ballistic missiles that carry nuclear warheads. “If they are ever fired,” Access to Energy reported, “there will be an environmentally friendly nuclear holocaust.” (here)

At last! A man I can admire. A blind German clairvoyant named Ulf Buck claims he can foretell people’s future by feeling their naked buttocks. I’ve been trying to convince women of this all my adult life! Believe me, if I can feel your naked buttocks, sweetie, I will definitely be able to tell your immediate future (“I see you experiencing a refreshing soreness and deeply felt sense of surrender in the near future.”)

From our historical department comes the following gem: More than seven centuries before a few Europeans dared to sail beyond the safe boundaries of their known world, entire Polynesian families crossed the vast expanses of the, Pacific Ocean in, yup, catamarans. The first humans to arrive in Hawaii, they were led by wayfinders. These miracle workers navigated uncharted seas by reading star positions, discerning weather patterns, and interpreting the ocean’s colors and movements. Shit! I know some families can’t make it to Disney world with a map without killing each other along the way.

I’ve been reading again, folks. Yup. In his book The Naked Woman, best-selling author/ biologist Desmond Morris (The Naked Ape), takes us beyond the G-spot. He says that in addition to the G-spot, women have three other highly sensitive erotic zones in the vagina. He calls them the A-Spot, C-Spot, and U-Spot. And here I was under the impression that the alphabet was only a guide for good cunnilingus.

From our “subversive acts” files: a few years ago, members of The Barbie Liberation Organization (BLO) sneaked into toy stores and swapped the voice boxes of 300 GI Joe and Barbie Dolls. Boys who later purchased the plastic soldiers were shocked to hear them make comments like, “I like to go shopping with you,” while the girls who came to own the mutated Barbies heard commands like, “To the front lines, men!” (click here to view a video)

Finally, our crack research team (in actuality a really brainy a DominiRican with a great ass) came up with the following morsel: Diane Ackerman observes in her book, A Natural History of the Senses, that in many cultures the word for kiss means smell. “A kiss is really a prolonged smelling of one’s beloved, relative, or friend,” she writes. “Members of a tribe in New Guinea say good-bye by putting a hand in each other’s armpit, withdrawing it, and stroking it over themselves, thus becoming coated with their loved one’s scent. Other cultures sniff each other or rub noses.” Now, before you get all culturally myopic on me, please note that my preferred manner is to put my hand in the crack of your ass while I’m kissing you and then smelling my hand.

I lurrrrve the baby powder!