by Tracy Renee Jones

I wouldn’t date or marry most of the Black females that I’ve ever known in life. Now you might suggest that I meet some new chicks before I draw this conclusion but hear me out. I say this as a person who observes their lives from a close vantage point and I say this as a woman that is actually open to dating another women but there is no way in HELL I would participate in some of the dramatic zoo like behavior that I see displayed by some Black females (and it very well could be white women too but I’ve observed those chicks and they have a different type of trifling).

Now that I’m writing this I’m wondering if this revelation is the real reason I exclusively date men: some women are just bat shit crazy. There are also plenty that are disillusioned and will protest themselves to be “Good Women” who are waiting on that suitable Black man to become their mate. Let’s talk about this shall we?

I have quite a few platonic Black male friends some of which are younger than I. I also have a single, younger brother who wants to get married and have a family sooner rather than later. I know PLENTY of Black men like these that are beginning to look for a woman to marry so when I hear that Black women can’t find mates you’ll understand why I’m confused. The kicker is that both of them WANT A BLACK WOMAN but haven’t found one suitable enough to marry yet.

One guy in particular comes to mind as I write this. He asked me for relationship advice and wondered if the tension he was experiencing in his relationship was something he was causing due to incorrect expectations on his part. He wanted to be a ‘good man’ and was willing to do the work necessary to make their relationship stronger. I won’t go into details about the two of them and while I will say that I didn’t want to throw home girl under the bus our conversation ended with me reminding him that as an upwardly mobile, Ivy League educated Black man seeking a wife; he had options and he should behave as such and so should the Black woman that he considers for marriage. Yeah, I said it.

The lack of Black marriages isn’t anything new and so there are now families consisting of one or two generations of where these women who were raised in homes that did not have a man present. If a woman isn’t raised in a two parent home then where would she be able to witness a marriage and how would she learn what is generally expected of her if she is to take on the role of a ‘wife’ one day?

In many other cultures the job of identifying a suitable wife for male members of a family is often left up to the female members of the family. I’ve had to school plenty of Black men on their wants and needs and how those both determine the type of woman who would best fit his needs. A little thought should go into the decision making process; kinda like buying a car but more important!

Go ahead and Google and find a site (there are plenty) where the “Black Marriage Relationship” debate is going on. When reading through the comment section it becomes clear that typically men and women are talking about two entirely different things when it comes to what makes a person ‘marriageable’. I see the same points bought up over and over again on both the side of the woman and the man during these discussions but is anybody listening to the other?

The qualities that women are taught to value in themselves do not necessarily transfer over to qualities that a man may value in his choice of a wife.

Ask a Black woman to describe to you all the ways in which she is a ‘good woman’ and she will tell you about her career accomplishments, her educational accomplishments, her love of God and her religious ideals. A Black woman will tell you about how much of a rock she is for her family and friends and about how she’s ‘chaste’ and has been holding on to her clean (cuz Momma said) panties (respectable white ones so as not to be seen as whorish in the event of a ambulance ride after a tragic event) while waiting for Mr. Right to arrive just like she was told (by her unmarried women friends) that she should. I’ll assert that these things have not much to do with a woman’s fitness for being a wife and possible mother.

Three’s A Crowd

I’ll observe from personal experience that a majority of my Black unmarried female friends are what I would call co-dependent. Rather than focusing on their home, men and children after work these woman post up on the internet or on the phone and re-hash ever minutia of detail that occurred throughout the day. I find it strangely peculiar and disturbing that much of their conversation is about their frustration with their husband, their home or with their children. I can’t imagine the quality of a relationship when the woman routinely gets on the phone to kick her man’s back out and to complain about the life she is partly responsible for creating with the person she chose to marry/co-habitat with.

I do take note that the Black wives with (seemingly) stronger relationships are the ones that close the door on life when they enter their home; their main focus is the ‘family’ that consists of their mate and their children. A man who wants to marry you also wants to be the focus of your personal life; there is not enough time in the day to deal with just the relationship so why would a women think a potential husband would be okay with sharing their wives with the telephone/internet/video game/ best girlfriend visiting every day because she has no man? If a woman refuses to be attentive to her man then what good is she? Some Black men refuse to marry you & the entire Verizon support system standing behind you.

Respect

I honestly can’t figure out how some Black women choose these Black men that they are with but they turn around and dog them out to who ever will listen. There are some men that will stay with a verbally abusive woman. I’ve seen Black men marry and remain with Black women who will talk trash about them. I know from conversations and from observation that many of these women don’t trust their Black man’s potential. They don’t trust the Black man’s decision making skills and they don’t trust the Black man to care and provide for them. I can only presume it’s easier to date a woman who is receptive and willing to respect his position as a man (but who just so happens to be Black). How many Black men do you think would willingly date and marry a woman that required him to ‘prove’ his manhood each and every day? It doesn’t take much for some Black woman to count all the ways in which their man isn’t a man (during an argument). I’ve heard it and I bet you have too. Out of all of my ex’s I can still tell you exactly what it was about them I loved and respected anything less and I would not have chosen to be with each man to begin with.

Emotional Stability (I had to work on this one)

I’m not a drinker. I’m not a drug abuser. I’m not into throwing shit across the room and tearing up the entire house on a Friday night (anymore). I don’t think it’s cute to fight like animals and then fuck like animals ala we ‘break up to make up’ and anyone who thinks this behavior is productive is not the type of person I want to deal with. Both Black men and Black women have a lot of personal issues to deal with; it just seems to come with the complexion but there is nothing stopping a person from getting help and learning to cope without giving into abusive behavior. The Black community has long held a stigma when it comes to mental/emotional disorders. Stabbing your Black man because you feel insecure is acceptable but going to a therapist isn’t. A Black man who is not accustomed to this type of destructive behavior may easily pass on a Black woman who is comfortable being an alcoholic or a drug addict or an emotional mess. Likewise I can’t deal with men who aren’t emotionally mature enough to show up to life sober. Ignoring the problems that may cause one to act out in such a way is also plenty of evidence that the potential person is not suitable for a life partnership. Who would want to sign up for daily drama!?

Attitude

I can already see the Black women rolling their necks about this one. I constantly find men who are surprised that I am so easy going. I try my best to be pleasant to be around and I am lighthearted by nature. Living under the same roof is already complicated so I try to make things as pleasant as possible by maintaining an upbeat mood. I don’t pretend to be happy when I am not and I have one hell of a temper to deal with if and when I lose it but as far as day to day goes I’m chill. When catching up with my female friends I’m never surprised to hear about all of the bad things they have going on in life. I don’t expect life to be a bed of roses daily but the constant negative attitude is trying on me as a friend so I can’t image having to hear that each and every day if I was a man. Some Black women have self esteem problems that require their men to look down (don’t you dare look at another woman!) and STFU unless it’s to reassure her that they’re the best looking thing on Earth. And maybe he does say these things to please her and maybe he does believe that she’s the hottest things walking but repeating compliments and reassurances to a woman (of any color) who refuses to believe them is beating a dead horse. Sure everyone likes compliments but men also like a woman with confidence.

Love is not meant to be a battlefield. I would think any man with some sense who is looking to marry would choose a woman who is content in herself, respectful of him and emotionally stable regardless of her skin color. So before you complain to Black men about why they may not choose you for a mate I suggest you ask yourself “would you take this woman?” because apparently some of the Black men have asked themselves this question and their answers is ‘No’.

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Outspoken, spunky and coming out of left field, the infamous Tracy Renee Jones is a 2005 Cum Laude graduate of New Jersey City University with a B.A. in Political Science and a minor in International Law. Also member of the Pi Sigma Alpha Political Science Honor Society, she worked a duel career life as a para-professional during the day and an adult performer at night while perusing her education. Her writing interests include the undesirable subjects of Prisoner Rights, Child Abuse and Exploitation, Adoption, Sexuality, Human and Intercultural Relations and Politics. She writes for several online publications including the Examiner, Beyond Black and White, Clutch Magazine, The Trippie Hippie and The Kinky Courtesan. She is a featured contributor to the sex positive digital Corset magazine where she explores fetish, stereotypes and erotic presentation for women of color. Her book of poetry Me: Being Anonymous: A Book of Cursed Poem and Verse is available on Amazon for purchase. Writing from an emotional place and with a personal touch, TRJ likes her debates the same way she enjoys.....rough, uncompromising and often.