My friends and fellow Americans, I am speaking to you from the Oval Office today because I have made the decision that we must go to war with the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics immediately. This decision has not come easily, it took me about two days, but it takes a tough man to make tough decisions and I am that man. Therefore I will send two million troops into the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics as part of our first wave of attacks. Shortly thereafter I will send in another two million as part of the surge after the first wave. The first wave we will call “Operation Red Thunder and Lightning” and we are currently taking suggestions for the name of the surge, and you can send in your ideas to JohnMcCainisourPresident.gov.

If you are under 30 and we pick your slogan as the winner you will be exempt from the draft. Yes my friends and fellow Americans, we will have to re-institute the draft. As usual we will take many boys from the inner cities and put them on the front lines but since this is such an enormous mission we will also be drafting from the suburbs and rural areas because I know those boys are so excited to defend and die for their country in order to protect Cremia and the sovereignty of the Ukraine. They are just raring to go and we can’t wait to send them thousands of miles away to die for something that every young man has been thinking about for so long.

Yes, my friends and fellow Americans I am finally fulfilling my half century long wet dream of going to war with the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics. It makes me a very happy old man to be announcing this to you from the Oval Office. Since our honorable Vice President, Sarah Palin, can see the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics from her house in Alaska, I am sending her home with a pair of military grade binoculars so that she can monitor the situation for us. I’m sure she will accept this duty with the same willingness and sense of responsibility that she put into her campaign to help bring an NRA recruiting table to every high school in this great country.

I know that some of you, my friends and fellow Americans, are wondering how long this war may last. Well, that is a hard question to answer. It could last 300 years or it could be over quickly if we have to nuke each other. That decision hasn’t been made yet. So yes, 300 years or about 10 minutes, your guess is as good as mine. Obviously the latter would cost less money so we are weighing that option. But let’s not worry about the economic issue right now. I mean what does money really mean when we can end the heavy handed rule of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics and their repugnant bare chested leader, Vlad Putin?

We must all be prepared to give a little in this quest. For the wealthy among us it will be tough. I ask that you really think about what we are doing, to really sit in your mansions and luxury condos and contemplate what it must be like for those of us who aren’t rich to have our sons and even daughters get slaughtered, probably thousands on a daily basis. Make sure you feel their pain before going to the spa or that five star restaurant. This will be your cross to bear.

For those whose sons and daughters I am sending to war, well, you should be comforted in knowing that I and all of the rich and wealthy Americans are thinking about you and your children at least for 10-15 seconds each day. We are all with you. We are all Americans.

So we head to war with the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics in order to preserve the right for only this nation to go and take over another country whenever we damn well please. I’m sure our brave soldiers understand that right and will fight for it with honor and pride.

Thank you my friends and fellow Americans and God bless the United States of America.

No seriously, if anyone paid half-assed attention to the presidential debates — especially the final debate on foreign policy where Romney practically cupped Obama’s balls all night long and told 24 lies in 41 minutes — there’s no way that the race for the White House should not be this close. But then again, maybe I’m underestimating the strength of the idiot vote. Because at this point, it’s hard to take undecided voters seriously.

This from Talking Points Memo:

Americans are both warming up on the economy and to Republican Mitt Romney’s candidacy, according to a national poll released Sunday by NBC News and the Wall Street Journal.

Romney and President Obama are tied among likely voters at 47 percent apiece, although Obama holds the advantage among registered voters 49 percent to 44 percent nationally. Obama also holds wide leads on a host of personal qualities, including a 16-point lead on which candidate is better at “looking out for the middle class,” 13-percent lead on “being knowledgeable and experienced enough to handle the presidency,” and a large 32-point advantage on “being easygoing and likable.”

But Romney is ahead on who’s “better prepared to create jobs and improve the economy over the next four years” by a 4-point spread, 45 percent to 41 percent.

“What appears to have benefited Romney, especially after the first two presidential debates, is that voters are more comfortable with him,” NBC News Senior Political Editor Mark Murray wrote about the findings. “A combined 47 percent of registered voters say they are either optimistic and confident or satisfied and hopeful that Romney would do a good job as president — up five points since the last NBC/WSJ poll.”

Romney maintains a tiny advantage in the PollTracker Average of the presidential race nationally.

I know, some of you are tired of me pulling the race card; and yes, I know for some of you liars Obama being black has no bearing on your decision to support Romney. Sure, I believe you: You’re supporting Romney because he has better policies, and Obama has made things worse.

But you want to know what’s funny about that position? What’s quite peculiar, is the fact that Romney hasn’t said as much as anything remotely close to anything like a plan for fixing the economy. All I ever hear from Romney is blah, blah, blah… five point plan… blah, blah, blah… 12 million jobs… blah, blah, blah… the black guy sucks…. blah blah, blah… vote for me… blah, blah, blah…. the black guy sucks…. blah, blah, blah… I’ll make your wildest dreams come true.

Yes, just ask economist Paul Krugman:

I’ve been delving a bit into what the Romney campaign and its economist fellow-travelers have been saying, and I think I have figured out the true economic doctrine Romney and his inner circle have in mind. It is, needless to say, not what the campaign has claimed.

The official line has been that the five-point program will create scads of jobs. This has a couple of problems. First, the program is vacuous — for the most part it’s a statement of desired outcomes, not policies. Second, as Glenn Kessler points out, the studies claimed as justification for the 12-million jobs number actually don’t say at all what the campaign asserts.

[…] So the Romney campaign is lying about the rationale for its boasts about jobs.But what’s the real story?

The answer is actually pretty clear: CONFIDENCE. The Romney notion is that we’d be having a rip-roaring recovery right now, except that Job Creators feel that Obama is looking at them funny. And so all Romney has to do is show up, and happy times will be here again. No, seriously: in Boca Raton Romney declared that simply by being elected he could start a boom, “without actually doing anything”.

And boy did Romney show up at the debate in Boca Raton, Florida last night.Basically, a there was different Mitt Romney on the debate stage. It was as though somehow he was transformed by Mormon Jesus into a peace-loving, weed-smoking hippie who rolled into town on a horse with no name and binders full of bayonets. For a minute I forgot that he was actually the cold-blooded corporate Sith Lord surrounded by neocons hell-bent on going to war with everyone in the world unwilling to work for pennies like the cheap Chinese labor from which he profits. And please believe, the world is watching; and from the looks of it, they’d rather have Hitler back than Mitt as POTUS.

At least Colonel Lawrence Wilkerson can admit that race has a lot to do with it…