The cute thing being said around the country as Election Day approaches is “if [candidate] doesn’t win, I am moving to [country].” I am convinced that anyone who says this and even kind of means it has NO idea what it would take to complete such a move. I hate to be the bearer of bad news or to wreck peoples’ dreams. I’m lying like shit, I rather enjoy doing this. Anyway, we know I am being the bearer of bad news now, but the fact of the matter is that no one who felt the need to say that is ACTUALLY going to do it. Today, I will talk about specifically why they won’t.

1- What other languages do you know?

Yes, most other countries on the planet with the type of schooling systems that would make them desirable places to live teach their children to speak not only their own native language(s) but English as well. Don’t expect, though, to just waltz into every country and expect everyone to bend to your will that they speak English with you. Most Americans don’t know a word of any other languages other than insults and profanities. Not helpful.

2 – What can you do for them?

Remember this: a large part of the divide in America is the widening gap between the “haves” and the “have-nots.” A large consideration in this is that some feel that America is too lenient on allowing MORE “have-nots” onto their shores and then coddling them until they get their shit together – if they ever bother to do so. Well, the fact remains that securing a Visa to immigrate to most other countries if you do not already have dual citizenship will generally require that you prove a good enough reason to be allowed to be there. If you couldn’t make it here to the point that the winner of an election caused you to want to renounce your citizenship and move away, all I can say is “good luck!”

3 – Where will you work?

Furthermore, how will you secure work? As someone who tolerates his place of employment and looks incessantly for better opportunities, I can assure you that indeed.com does not have an international search option. Long story short – and this could have easily fallen under “What will you do for us?” – securing a job internationally will usually require an international education or a US one that is discernibly valuable to another country’s interest. In other words, you’d likely already be working for a company that might be willing or in need of someone to work overseas, and you’d already have your ‘in.’

4 – No one is impressed with America anymore.

If you thought it would be as easy as “shit, I’m AMERICAN, I’m a hot commodity the world over!” then you were dead ass wrong. Generally unhealthy, entitled, lazy, undereducated, arrogant are all descriptions that have applied to Americans. Don’t let me be the one to break that to you. A perfunctory Google search will unearth the same results.

“Well why do people want so badly to come here then?”

Wait, you left because Obama won, and you're not racist?

Ever visited a third-world country? I have… On the other side of the manicured beaches and resorts normally resides a comparative shithole that the locals will have to return to after you’ve barely covered their otherwise meager living expenses being touristy. $7.75 an hour is a gold mine compared to that. The ability to get considerably more than that $7.75 an hour is motivation enough to work and go get it. Along with people from war-torn countries where a grenade landing in their breakfast is a real possibility, THOSE are the people who want to come to America.

Industrialized countries – the ones spoken of as if they matter on your preferred news sites – have citizens who are fine with being there. Obesity is not a rampant health concern, and even the NON-rampant ones don’t become pandemic due to a lack of coverage due to providers trying to coin them to death. They get better educations, are generally more cultured and overall mature and less violent as well.
… and they usually speak English better than any of us.

Those are the ones who stay put.

And yes, I am aware that most of what I have said in this post is applicable to my one-language-speaking ass as well. The difference is that I am not the one bitching about the need to move away if my candidate du jour does not win the election.

Now if after reading this, you still think trying to move away if you don’t get what you want, please do me the favor of letting me know how that works out for you.