My One and Only

Nearly everyone I know is looking for the ‘One’ and not all of them are single people either. The “One” is this elusive magical union that will make life so much more fulfilling just as soon as that ‘One’ person shows up. I used to look for the ‘One’ until I realized there were several potential ‘Ones’  rotating in my atmosphere at any given time. Each ‘One’ enriched my life and bought something valuable to my existence. I hated having to give ‘One’ back when I chose another ‘One’ to play with.

I’ve been in several long term relationships and I have yet to find the ‘One’; and that’s not to say that each guy was absolutely fucked up beyond the point that I could settle with him. I left each man because I always felt our union was missing something and there were always more ‘Ones’ for me to explore; and the rules clearly state that I can’t be with you and still be ‘out there’ and so I choose to go in peace.

What If I Can’t Please Tracy Renee..

Truth be told, it’s my guess that many of the men I dated didn’t care for the fact that I was sexually free by nature. Some of you were defeated as soon as I decided to allow you the time of day. Jealousy has killed way more relationships than my infidelity ever did; sometimes I was truly and fully satisfied with just what he and I had between us. But since you’re beating me in the head with suspicions while also reminding me that I’m missing something by being here with you it then becomes necessary for me to do the right thing and step off.

Sometimes I would find a ‘One’ that was the one and other times they looked like ‘Ones’ on paper but in real life just weren’t enough to satisfy all of my needs; the man I am currently was seeing said he wondered if he ‘was enough for me’ which makes me feel like some sort of sexual/emotional endless black hole. I could turn this into a mysticism discussion about the fear of vagina but I won’t (for now). The truth is that he is was not enough; I wanted more time and priority from him and that was my only compliant. As you can see from the slashes, I’ve since left this relationship to pursue my life and satisfy my own needs. There’s something about waiting on “One” person to get around to doing what was agreed upon; there’s something martyr-ish about having a faith in a person who isn’t displaying the want, need or ability to satisfy those needs. I am not a martyr.

Great Expectations…..

I think it’s total bullshit to put every last one of  your expectations on that ‘One’ person. Realistically either a person like me has to tolerate the demands of fidelity or risk condemnation and an upset of the stability of things. I can pretend to be satisfied with the love and attention of ‘One’ person when I actually may not be in exchange for their partnership in my life or I can remain single and believe that no man will want me as I am.

But that’s not true. Men don’t refuse relationships with me though they know that I am different. Maybe they think they’re the “One” and things will fall into place on their own.

Is the fidelity about love, sexual desire and respect or is it about being held hostage due to economics and tradition? Of course there are some people who are naturally monogamous; they need the consistency, the intimacy and the routine of a partnership in order to feel satisfied. But some people, some people need inconsistency, intimacy is a whiff of pheromones. A life of sexual routine and restriction is death.

I’ve done plenty of things during my relationships, but it’s not like it was just me doing it. This one fact alone helps me realize that more people are in open relationships than you can get them to admit too. Some people call it cheating. Does it remain cheating if one partner isn’t faithful and the other gives silent consent? What do you make of those couples that include both partner stepping out on the other?

I’ve never been ashamed of myself and I’m not about to start now. I usually tried hard to be discreet as a courtesy to my partner. I wish they would understand that this had to do with my personal needs and not because they aren’t good enough. And if the person that loves me does not want me to have my needs met then why am I here?

You Knew and Didn’t Care Enough To Bring It Up

Every man I’ve ever been with who I cheated on knew I was cheating on them. And if you’re reading this now and I burst your bubble some type of way by being bold and honest, then my apologies. You stayed because my behavior and presence satisfied some need you had within yourself, other wise you would have broken out, you didn’t. Why is that?

Many of them didn’t cheat on me, to my knowledge, and if they did then too bad for them because they went through all that trouble for nothing. Cheating men have never been a problem for me. The one incident of cheating I had to suffer through had everything to do with my being pregnant and semi-stable in a long term monogamous relationship with a man who resented me. His decision to cheat was all about his deep seated Momma issues, his feelings of insecurity because he questioned his capacity at being the head of a home and other mental issues I eventually walked away from.

I love freely because it comes natural to me. I love sex and every individual intimate thing that comes along with it. I am enthusiastic about men and penises; and breasts and hips and the curve of the female body. Sex isn’t dirty or nasty and it’s not to be hidden among whispers. I love how my body feels and how my body makes another person feel and I love the way we interact when we share good ass chemistry.

I knew I lived in a society that requires that I be ashamed of who I am, and I tried but wasn’t. I could only pretend for a short while and then I stopped even bothering to do that. I’m normal because this is normally me; maybe you are the one behaving strangely.

Sex is a form of spiritual worship that I enjoy with some ‘ones’ that I adore. My need for sexual interaction is part of my life self expression. It should be cherished for what I believe it to be; an opportunity to share an experience with some ‘one’ I care about. Maybe I am greedy and indulgent, I’m just as guilty of stopping in mid-sentence to totally focus on a bird’s melodic chirping when I hear it faintly in the distance. I interact with the world around me in a way that may be different from others.

I hope more people can come to terms with this concept; it would save a lot of relationships. If your girlfriend is bisexual or bi-curious then I’m not sure how infidelity can easily break up your union. Is there no room in your monogamous trusting relationship for visitors, at least occasionally? If you think introducing another women in your bed will automatically cause you to lose your man than what is to be said about those men who cheat without ever having attempted to bring the woman home? Some people just like to play cloak and dagger; but that’s a whole ‘nother topic.

Women Aren’t Honest About Their Needs Either

If more women were to be honest they would see that monogamy is more about the manufactured value of female chastity, the selfish male ego and forced social norms than about loving, learning and experiencing life with all the joys and benefits of long standing, intimate, cross-thatched familial relationships. Your woman may even want to take on another lover. I think men don’t broach this subject for themselves because they fear their woman will agree but only under the condition that she get to choose a playmate for herself. Men can’t deal with the blow to the ego and woman are made to feel guilty about their sexual appetites. There’s got to be room for improvement in here.

My men have always had the option to sleep with my female lovers. Most of the men I was in relationships with decided against doing so or ignored the opportunity presented to them when I attempted to explain my sexuality and temperment. We all start from a place of monogamy and lies without ever having given the other person the benefit of an honest conversation about options, restrictions, desires and expectations.

Sharing Doesn’t Threaten Me: Why Does It Threaten You?

My male lovers do occasionally sleep with my female lovers. One such incident was set up as a gift to my male lover for his birthday and it was great for all parties involved. Having two lovers that knew each other previously in my bed with me didn’t bother me and it didn’t make me jealous. Just the contrary, there was already a camaraderie between them and I knew they were already attracted to each other so it made things go so much smoother. How and why would I be jealous of her? She doesn’t possess anything that I don’t. No woman ever has.

Watching my well endowed and sensuous lover treat my female friend to what I know to be some good ass dick was a pleasure to watch. And having a friend help me to please him was a nice change of pace. Being surrounded by two people who cared about me and I about them was so comforting. Laying among her cream complexioned soft girl flesh and the muscular mahogany lines of his body as we enjoy a good afterglow was one of the most natural things on Earth. There was no relationship behind my back, no scandal, no jealousy, nothing changed much. It never does though.

I wish I was able to share this moment with more men; but even suggesting to do so may insult some delicate ass ego or get me strange looks. I don’t want anyone to feel insecure. It’s an option and I think options should be discussed.

I feel fortunate to have never found that ‘One’ person. The people who consider themselves ‘normal’ are astounding to me. That you can live your life with such routine and restriction delights me to no end. I do not envy you. Maybe you do not envy me. Good. There world made up of differences, if we acknowledge those differences, we’ll be all the more better.

But maybe you are completely happy with the way in which you maneuver your sexual relationships. Everything isn’t for everybody, however, I’m sure that many of you are only pretending because you would rather pretend than to be ostracized for not playing according to the rules. Many of you chose the convenient person and are now in loveless marriages of tangled finances and social guilt that you should endure for the sake of ideals. I live outside of the rules; that’s where I grew up and so I’m familiar with the terrain.

There are so many amazing people out here. How do you choose just ‘One’?

A conversation, a deep reverberating laugh, to sleep with them and know what it is like to wake up next to them. How do you resist? When a friend of the opposite sex calls out to you in need of a shoulder to cry on..how do you deny them because your partner will be hurt that you cared enough to want to console them? You can care from a distance. Your love is meant to be kept under lock and key. Are you worried that if your lover gives another some of his/her love then they may run out of love and then you’ll have none? Does your lover’s affection being only for you make you feel like the most special person in the world..Oh, to be chosen!

Humans are such discoveries to be made.

What is it like when they cry out in orgasm?

What is it like to see them rejoice at good fortune?

What does it feel like when they love me back?

The person brings sunlight and joy into my life…just like and nothing like the other person does. Now what?

I promise you that I’m not random in my choice of lovers. Woven into their lives there is a place where I exist and our exchange isn’t necessarily physical and it doesn’t necessarily have to be emotional. People fall in love with me and I with them. We feel each other. I can’t explain it if you don’t instinctively know what I mean.

It just is what it is and it’s got NOTHING to do with you. But you don’t hear me though…

I don’t love you any less and I don’t want to leave you. That person doesn’t want your position in my life and I don’t want you replaced by them in my life. They aren’t you and can’t take your place. You aren’t them. You are you and that’s why I love you..I uniquely and specifically love you.

Is there something so bad about me loving them too….I don’t understand the conversation about limitless love that is only offered to a restricted few. I love humans, some more than others, of course.

I’m well aware of every rebuttal and criticism that this post may bring up. I do understand how it”s comforting to those on the outside looking in to think that the interactions I and people like me have with their lovers are merely shallow exchanges of body fluid and lust.

You’ve been taught these beliefs, but when you look around and analyze these relationships you see that what you were taught and what you observe are two different things.

Hypothetical

The other “She” is important to him because no matter what you do, no matter how hard you fight and nag and chase him down with GPS and smart phones he risks “everything” to be with her. Yet you also realize that you still have feelings for the father of your oldest child. Though you and your partner are in a committed relationship the both of you have feelings for individuals outside of  your relationship while also having the same feelings for each other. You feel this is wrong. But why are you conflicted? I hear how one partner ‘cheated’ and how that causes the other partner to ‘go out there’ and suddenly everyone is carrying on outside relationships. Did you ever take note to how easy it is for people to share their lives, feelings and emotions and then show right back up to the breakfast table?

Life is so much more than halted and disjointed boxes of physical and emotional exchanges. Why do we fear loving people? We only stop and start relationships because society tells us that we should. Fidelity proves your partner is willing to give up everything for you. But does that requirement sound like one of love or sacrifice?

We Do Have Something In Common, Don’t We?

I’m am an extension of the person that you claim to love; I have been chosen by them to share portions of their life the same as they chose to share certain parts of their life with you. Some will say that my acceptance of portions is an example of insecurity displayed in my willingness to accept a poor substitute because I cannot have the whole person. I disagree, the pieces and portions of people that are revealed to me in our place of intimacy and acceptance is nearly always portions that are too big or complicated for any average woman to process. You have every opportunity to get to know your partner if you cared to do so. Does our emotional relationship bother you…even if we’ve never been physical? Say what you will but if you don’t have an intimate, open, accepting emotional relationship with your significant other than I ask do you just assume they don’t share or you just happy they’re not stressing you out?

What you presume to be your man tricking off on you could just as easily have been a long teary discussion he’s had with me about how much he loves you but doesn’t know how to tell you he’s scared of disappointing you.

Or how much he resents you for tricking him into marriage only then to refuse to give him children. #truestory

He hates that you don’t cook and clean and take care of his home. #truestory

He hates feeling like you don’t care for anything other than his paycheck. #routinelytruestory

Some of us don’t find only one ‘the One’ but will society ever come to terms with the fact that our societies’s relationship models are out of date?

While human interaction, social behavior and ways of relating to each other evolve will we continue to do one thing and call it something else or is now a good time for brutal honesty?

I can’t be the only ‘One’ who feels this way.

ORIGINALLY POSTED HERE

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Outspoken, spunky and coming out of left field, the infamous Tracy Renee Jones is a 2005 Cum Laude graduate of New Jersey City University with a B.A. in Political Science and a minor in International Law. Also member of the Pi Sigma Alpha Political Science Honor Society, she worked a duel career life as a para-professional during the day and an adult performer at night while perusing her education. Her writing interests include the undesirable subjects of Prisoner Rights, Child Abuse and Exploitation, Adoption, Sexuality, Human and Intercultural Relations and Politics. She writes for several online publications including the Examiner, Beyond Black and White, Clutch Magazine, The Trippie Hippie and The Kinky Courtesan. She is a featured contributor to the sex positive digital Corset magazine where she explores fetish, stereotypes and erotic presentation for women of color. Her book of poetry Me: Being Anonymous: A Book of Cursed Poem and Verse is available on Amazon for purchase. Writing from an emotional place and with a personal touch, TRJ likes her debates the same way she enjoys.....rough, uncompromising and often.