Kids have a certain type of freedom that seems to get erased as they grow into adults. As they mature, the seriousness of this right of passage is often marked by the morphing into a more acceptable version that each young person must succumb to in order to be considered serious about their adult shit. Now that I’m grown enough to evaluate my life based on my own definition of it, I know I had a few thing more right back then, as a kid, then I ever did now. The adults would never let on the secret power of innocence, and I’m happy the young folks are keeping true to themselves instead of suppressing intimidate desire in order to fit into a mode of heterosexual and monogamous norms that seems constricted and out dated.
When you are growing up you do a lot of things without the use of definitions. Unlike adults who have been conditioned to think in boxes, young people are free to be and feel however their body’s tell them to. One can move about life as close to their innocent selves as society will allow them to be, yet the wrong move, in the wrong environment, will bring in the integration police, and they will punish you for being unlike the others.
You are unacceptable and you didn’t even know it
Later on, after the realization that boxes exist you have a choice to make. And plenty of people take this time to re-evaluate how they will allow society to view them. The feelings that cause them to be different or out of the ordinary don’t really go away, but the social ques apply enough pressure to ensure that whatever part of you that is unacceptable should be cut off from existence for your own good. However, they leave out the fact that your conformity helps them to maintain a lie that you weren’t a part of when you were just being yourself.
High school is where bad and good habits emerge, and for some people, like me, it can start even earlier than that. Though I didn’t think it strange or immoral of me, I found my affection for humans to be equally applied to both males and females. And I’m not sure anyone other than my playmates even knew that I was involved with my first boy/girl love affair in kindergarten with an African-American boy named Lemont. At about the same time, I had also become the female muse of a red-headed girl at my church who was almost the same age as I.
I was excited to go to school prior to developing my two love affairs but the excitement of seeing my favorite people, both boys and girls, six days out of a week, kept me enthusiastic for school in a way that I still enjoy to this day. I find the most amazing love affairs, both real and not, that could appropriately be carried out in the pursuits of higher learning, work groups, and other mental meetings of the mind.
Intelligence is very attractive to me, and so sitting in a room full of mentally competent people of all shapes and sizes offers me the chance to mind fuck an entire room of people even if I never vocalize or reveal my tangent interest in a person. Few things are as erotic to me as a human being; the sound of a woman’s voice while reading a loud in class, the implications of the stories chosen by men who do not socially speak to women who are not of their tribe/family/clan/religion to present to a creative writing class, the body smell of an Egyptian man.
As a young person my romantic relationships were simply like everyone else’s, personal and only defined by my understanding of what was going on between I and another person. We had amazing conversation, or shared a deep involved interest in somethings others considered mundane and obscure. We shared food from each others hands, clothes from each others closets, whispers of secret pain, bad habits, good advice, and, above all else, we shared deep affection for each other.
Early teen dating and the lack of value of exclusivity
The people who were important to me were called simply, ‘friends’, even though many of us, male and female, carried on both sexual and romantic relationships with multiple people in the group. When a male or a female would partner off with one person, and then partner off with another person at another time, and then express anxiety about having to choose between the two, it seemed like a great solution when we would later come to find out that MFF relationships had developed.
I learned that being a woman who loved a man, along with another woman whom I also hold friendship love for, increased each person’s opportunity to give and receive what it was that we were looking for from someone already familiar, and trusted. Our initial chemistry existed, that’s how we became friends, but we were taught that there were things called ‘boundaries’. And that the word boundaries must be implemented when we use the term ‘friend’, because society has taught us that ‘lover’ deserve the sexual you and friends deserve the rest of you. Had we not done what we’d done, we too, would have no idea how much of a lie this is.
To the outside, it would be easy to dismiss these type of arrangements as promiscuous, back stabbing and filled with jealousy. With three people, there is always the chance that someone will be ‘left out’, but when your day includes you and people who you would still be in contact with otherwise, it becomes harder to make the argument that a romantic relationship has to be separate and above that of the love found in friendships.
Companionship, friendship, and support were already something we were enjoying with each other as members of a tight-knit circle of friends. Adding the romantic aspect of it seemed to make so much sense, and once negotiated and accepted by the other members of the group, partnering off became something more and more of us began to do.
Cheating and what that meant to me
Can you define the word ‘cheating’ for me, please? Of course, we can all Google an appropriate set of words to convey what it does and does not mean to cheat on a partner. But what about those times when one does everything else but physical, and yet an emotional relationship develops, is that still considered cheating? Some would agree it did.
But what if you can love without touching? Desire without boundaries? What of the people whose hearts need more love, of different kids
Self reflection and focusing on my needs I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not specifically focused on a monogamous relationship unless it can exist as a primary. I would love to find a relationship that included other females to . When a triangle works, it’s a great thing, when groups of sane, responsible and open love people get together, it’s even better.
Though capable of settling into a spur of the moment situation, I’m not a swinger by nature. and I’m definitely not interested in anything remotely resembling a casual hookup with a person I am not familiar with. That doesn’t mean I won’t be nearby to watch, or participate some other type of way, I’m just clarifying that the random sex and hookup culture isn’t something I am a part of.
What this means for my dating partners
Sure, under certain circumstances, anything can happen but for the most part these additional people are more of an indulgence than a routine occurrence. Being sexually free doesn’t equate being sexually available to anyone and everyone. Just the opposite, I’m very careful of the people I interact with romantically, because at some point I’ll be introducing him (either in person or concept) to my primary men. And if any of them disapprove of him, I can’t promise that I won’t take that into consideration.