Some asshole just told me there’s no black man qualified to be pope. I told him he was right, because no black man would be down with profiting from slave labor like the Catholic church once did. But then I remembered that Allen West, Herman Cain, and Thomas Sowell was alive, so I punched myself in the face. Of course there was talk of the possibility of a black pope being elected, but I never paid it much mind.
Truth be told, I’m kind of glad that they didn’t elect a black pope. The last thing I need to see is a bunch of Negroes running around claiming to be Catholic running up in Sunday mass requesting a shot of Hennessy at communion. Yeah, that shit would be embarrassing; and so not a good look in the age of Obama. Besides, don’t we already have a black pope? You know, a black man who wears dresses in movies who calls himself Madea?
But about that new pope though — I don’t understand why everyone expected him to be so different from the other gazillion heads of the Catholic church. Everyone has been critiquing his stance on gay marriage, and quite frankly, it makes me laugh. I mean, why would any pope support something like marriage equality when they most definitely and quite clearly do not support the equality of women in the church? No seriously, think about this for a second: did the child molestation scandal involve young girls? But anyway, there’ll never be a Black Pope — mope, it will never happen. It’d be too much like admitting that Jesus was a black man, and the Jews of the Bible were Ethiopian. Besides, you give a black man that much power then he’ll get the idea to bless some ships in an attempt to profit from a Trans-Atlantic slave trade involving white folks as cargo. And of course, we can’t have that, can we? Yep, another powerful African? At any rate, black smoke, white smoke, or weed smoke: does it really make a difference? As a non-practicing Catholic and former acolyte turned atheist, maybe I’m just a bit too cynical about this all.